yes or no. pick one.

I'm really thankful right now that I have a giant red dot in between my eyebrows and two more... even more massive... on my forehead.

redacted.

i accompanied Areim to her dante class today which, to say the least, was fascinating. while there, she instructed me to write a story.

i wrote a poem instead. it follows.

james was a young boy, not unlike you or i,
who especially enjoyed his mother's warm apple pie.
but james was not normal, not by a long shot,
he provided his entire high school with multitudes of pot.
other than the drugs, james had no income
so he resorted to whoring himself out for a fine sum.
unfortunately, and even though james was clearly loved,
some guy got mad at james and gave him a big shove.
"hey, what are you doing?!?" james exclaimed,
he replied, "leaving all the fags in the world maimed."
"that's not so cool," james argued back,
"even i can appreciate a girl with a nice rack!"
"oh really? that's way cool!" his attacker explained,
"i'm sorry i left you dirty and pained."
james thought it was alright, as long as he was safe,
but ow! his pants were making his legs horrible chafe.
after his run-in with near death,
james found a new friend named seth.
he stopped growing pot and whoring himself out,
because whenever he did, seth would pout.
they both went to james' house to have some pie,
some juice, and sandwiches - possibly ham on rye.
from that day on, james appreciates his life more and more,
even though his attackers left him feeling sore.

i wish i could write something as beautiful and as meaningful as the song round here. i haven't decided yet whether i enjoy the song so much because i can only aspire to create something as beautiful as it or whether i enjoy it so much because it can be so perfectly applied to situations in my life.

she parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off
says shes close to understanding jesus
she knows shes more than just a little misunderstood
she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

while i have neither taken my clothes off outside someone's house or claimed that i was getting closer to understanding jesus, i can't help but draw similiarities between myself and maria. the entire aura surrounding the mystery of where maria came from and where she's going in life. well, that wasn't a complete sentence but i wasn't sure where i was going with it. i don't know how to say it, but maria seems like such a strong character. she may have her faults and be confused, but she somehow shines through as brilliant.

round here we talk just like lions
but we sacrifice like lambs

im just not going to say anything about that part of the song. i know what it means to me and that's enough.

then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
she says shes tired of life she must be tired of something

and round here, he's always on my mind.
unfortunately enough, at least.


my top played songs have recently shifted around. run has now taken the top position. i don't know if that means anything. i'd like to think any change in my personal life suggests a change in my life as a whole, but i doubt anyone can really relate a change to a song. and run is such a happy song. well at least has a nice message. shouldn't i be killing myself over what has happened rather than sit here and perpetuate my insecurities and feelings of subhumanness and yes i know that's not a word.

i figure that i really only write when ive actually got something in my life to talk about. most of my life is spent here at ucla, boring. looking for another companion because of what occured with the last one.

my mother has some sort of complex that she described to me a few years ago. it involves her and some sort of psychological feeling that she seeks acceptance among males in her lives because her father clearly favored males over females when she was growing up. sometimes i almost think that i have developed, or am starting to develop, the same complex. at times i feel so desperate to find a man that i feel like i've lowered my standards. you, my dear readers (all two of you) can take that how you would like. i'm not saying that has happened with the most recent partner or not becuase i, myself, don't know. you make the judgements.

im thinking a little less run and a little more your ex-lover is dead.

i guess i've gotten all of my thoughts out of my head. i've been wanting to write this for a few days now. my thoughts, naturally enough, have changed throughout over the days and now seemed like an appropriate time to write.

i was looking at wyatt's myspace and i couldn't help but to pick apart the slow demise of our friendship. i did actually like him. its too bad. and then there's kristin who i was infinitely closer to. we should both stop being so weird and just be friends again. maybe i'll make a list of things to do over winter break and that will be one of them.

my roommate has a switchblade on his desk and it makes me uneasy.

at least m.i.a. is here to remind me that bucky did indeed done gun. i just stared off into space for an estimated 2 minutes. maybe less. im writing for writing's sake. i just had the urge to. with no intention or direction. who knows what i'll discover, if anything.

-------------------

this weekend i went to sprinkles twice and saw the faint. it was raining after we got out of the concert. it was refreshing to step outside and feel the world above shattering and falling upon me, around me, under me. we drove home and i drank a martini. it wasn't good. which reminds me that i need to find a date to sister's new year's party. or i could go alone and sit there sipping champagne. that's tantalizing too.

i already asked one person and he couldn't go. nicole's in new zealand. i need to stop dwelling. i decided this year to get expensive presents. im going to buy nicole marc jacobs shoes and my sister something really nice which has yet to be determined. i want to buy myself sunglasses. and katrina the sufjan christmas album. ok so that's not nice, but i know she'll appreciate it a lot more than something very extravagant. other than my parents and those people, i don't really have anyone to buy gifts for. maybe its sad. i like to think of myself as concentrating on cementing the relationships i have already. not many people have tickled my fancy.

they're not my cup of tea.

i just don't like them. i do like fudgy though. and mrs brug. i need to get her something.

i tried going to bed earlier tonight in hopes of waking up early to study for chemistry tomorrow. i think instead i'll go get something to eat and then go to bed. after i finish this of course.

i got a b on a paper i started at 330 the morning before it was due. go me. but it makes me second guess my decisions and wonder if i can always pull that off. i guess we'll see how i do on my finals. i just hope i dont fail chemistry. i almost typed faily. haha.

i just really want to be home with nicole. baking cupcakes when its raining outside. too bad she'll be in new zealand but we'll get to spend some time together.

love is all love is new.

i just figured out that song has like 6 whole lines in it. and still manages to be almost 3 minutes. i wish i could be 6 lines and still 3 minutes long.

i could sit here and write aimlessly forever. i think im goign to go get food now.

-------------------

goodbye.

so i'm watching queer as folk. they used mass romantic in one scene. could this show be any better?

i'm excited for the wii.

it's. 3:54 am. i woke up from a nightmare. justin was saying about how i just needed a little break from everything and suggested that i hang out with this one girl. i dont know her name. so we were walking around and talking and such. i don't know for how long or what. we were walking, it looked like it was into the math and sciences building but who knows, and the woman asked for a hairbrush (maybe? i'm not sure). i asked why? and she turned around with a smirk on her face. it was not the person that i thought it was. she was old and her makeup was flaky and she had some sort of scary looking bust (as in statue) that sat on her shoulder and was facing me.

then i woke up. pecuilarlly enough, i was deathly scared. i checked the time. 3:47 am. i climbed out of bed, put a coke in the freezer, and grabbed a water from the fridge.

before that i had a dream with my sister and my dad and my dad's girlfriend. we were in some sort of stripmall and we were leaving. it was just my sister and i outside and we saw this facility next door to the breakfast restaurant we had been at. the place was empty and the doors were open and it was labelled something alone the lines of "revolution show" or "civil war show." we went over to check it out and it was a bunch of dormant dolls like those in it's a small world with showtimes for the next day. creepy. then we were going to go to freebirds in santa barbara.

for some reason, now i feel sick just from drinking water.


today i cried a lot to my mom on the phone. i went to student psychological services and saw a therapist. she's a post docotorate who is still under supervision. her name is heather and i like her. she sits there while i tell her about my life and cry a lot. she thinks its awful that patrick is in santa barbara, nicole is in berkeley, and my mom is in ventura - all places i cant readily get to. she said that she's here for me when i need her and i can always call her when i need someone to talk to. i like her for that. she seems like she cares about me. i'm seeing her again on halloween and i'm excited.

i feel hesitant to provide some sort of analysis of my dreams, but i do find it very curious that freebirds was where patrick was heading last time i talked to him (about midnight) and then it randomly shows up in my dream. i've felt like i'm chasing him a lot in life. not his relationship or his frendship or his feelings, just him. i know i have his feelings, his blessings, his love. i know that's there for me when i need it, but i feel like i just can't keep up. tonight, i step foot into a bj's for the first time without him since we broke up. it was really weird. i ordered what i always ordered and i couldnt help but feel that it should have been patrick sitting across from me, not matt. and the weirdest thing about it all, while i ordered food, matt ordered just a pzookie. sound familiar? well actually of course not becuase you don't know my life involving bj's but i can tell you that's not unlike my experiences at the restaurant with patrick.

i have all this anxiety from the prospect of halloween parties starting. i want patrick to be safe but i also don't want to interfere with his life and i want him to make his own decisions and have fun for himself. as long as he doesn't regret any of his decisions, then i'll stand behind him in those that he makes. i feel like this entry is something that i should take to heather next tuesday, but i know that so much is going to happen in a week.

on saturday i lost my phone. not as in misplace it, as in it died. forever and ever. i had a year and a half worth of memories on that phone. there were text messages that i love, pictures that i love, and nicknames for people that i will never forget. too bad i lost it all. but, there will always be this one text that i will remember for the rest of my life. it was my favorite of them all:

"hey boy i love, get home safe or i keel you"

i received it one night when i was driving home from oxnard to ventura. it made me laugh, it always makes me laugh. i cant remember what patrick and i were doing that night, what time it was, or what i was wearing. all i remember is that it was foggy, i was on victoria almost to gonzales and i got that text message.

i'm going to try to go back to sleep now that i've sat here, typed out my feelings (partially?), and feel more secure in returning back to my bed. i guess i could just leave with that same text message, directing it back to the person who sent it to me. i want him to get home safe every night. i want him to get home safe after wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday. i always want him home safe. knowing that he's safe and at home makes me feel ok.

hey boy i love, get home safe or i keel you.

have you ever been in love?

he's my best friend, best of all best friends

I feel like one of the best things in my life is crumbling right in front of my eyes becuase of the people we are and the people that we're afraid to change into. I don't want it to be like this. I want it to last forever. I want to change. I want him to change.

I feel like this place is so weird but so welcoming. 2 hours after I moved in I already had alcohol in my system and last night proved to be quite... interesting. I met so many people and I don't know any of them but I made sure that I asked for the number of the ones that were funnier. I feel like I've really bonded with David (my roommate from orientation) and I already totally feel like he could be my brother. We've pretty much hung out nonstop for the past day and I'm glad that I've already developed a sense of security with someone here. I was also hanging out with Areim and Elise and Brianne which were all fun because it was such a mix of high school and familiar faces integrating with the new feel of college.




Tonight we watched Alice in Wonderland which I hadn't seen in forever. David pointed out so many good points about Alice having an identity crisis, a loss of memory, and not accepting the world for what it is: absurd.

He is totally right.

I think I've been trying to control my life too much lately. My mother always just says to go with the flow and I think that I'm going to start taking her advice more to heart. I feel like my life would be so much simpler and less stressful if I just did what I felt at that moment and not worry about making plans in advance. I almost feel like I am Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole. I just parted with someone I love dearly which has totally thrown me off. I'm completely re-evaluating my life now that I spend more time by myself and without Patrick (which does make me sad! :[ ). Whenever anyone asks me why I love him, I say its because he makes me want to be a better person, which he does and I hope that I'm a better person because of my relationship with him this far. But... there is still some sense of insecurity in my new home and wondering about which direction my life is going to go. There are so many paths I could take or my path could disappear completely right out from under my feet.

And even as I write this entry I feel like I'm not saying anything prophetic and I'm just simply relating the movie to my life, which most anyone could do in most any situation.

I don't know what to think.

But I do know that I like this place, I like David, I love Patrick, I love Nicole, I love my mom, I love my sister and I miss them all.

uhh i guess i feel like i should make a post about this so i will. i move in to ucla tomorrow at 4 pm promptly. or possibly before i'm not sure how it goes. i may say taht im horribly terrified for it but i dont know how i feel. im horribly terrified to be away from patrick. ive spent almost everyday of my life for the 7+ months with him and its going to be so weird being away from him and now always having him there if i need him. but then again i should be way excited to be moving into something and being on my own, away from my parents and their influences. i guess i cant decide how i feel about it. ill figure it out tomorrow once it happens. then i think i will really know how i feel about it.

i am packing in order to go to college and i just laid out all my movies alphabetically.

i have 87 movies and 4 seasons of tv shows. and that's just in physical form.. not even the seasons of tv shows i have bought on itunes.






sick.